Wednesday, August 04, 2004

Screaming at Space Mountain.

It's 50s alright. It's called 'Tomorrowland' for christ-sake. I was half expecting to see Rocket Robinhood. Which actually would have been really cool. I'd get my picture taken with him in a heartbeat. Minnie and Goofy can stick it. But I reserve my real ire for 'Beast' and 'the Genie' and 'Simba' they bite. But that's a different story.

Sonia: We going on Space Mountain and so are you.
Me: No way, I get car sick.
Sonia: C'mon...
Me: Look at that thing!
Sonia: You cannot go to Disney and not go on the rides.
Me: Do you want me to puke on the back of your head?
Sonia: Ok pif, you wait here.
Me: Excellent.

As I walk away I look up at the sign that says it's a 65 minute wait for this ride. Yikes.

Well, I wander over to the video arcade. Of course it's the biggest arcade I've ever seen in my life. They have it all, Street Fighter II, Dungeons and Dragons, X-men, I'm pretty happy about it. More importantly, a whole WALL of pinball. fucking SWEET. Pinball is hard to find these days. Most importantly they have Creepshow, I got down on Creepshow. 15 bucks later I go back to meet them.

Wesam looks like he stood to close to jet engine. His hair is all crazy and swooped over to the side and you couldn't kick the smile off his face. They were happy and laughing and even said the 65 minute wait was worth it. Even still, I'm glad it wasn't me.

Sonia: What did you do?
Me: I played 15 bucks worth of early nineties vids and pinball.
Sonia: You come to Disney World and you play Pinball?
Me: Hey Pinball is hard to find these days!
Sonia: Pinball!? What year is it?
Me: Well here in "Tomorrowland" it's hard to tell. It could easily be 1956.
Sonia: You are getting on a ride. You hear me?! Splash Mountain. You're on it.
Me: Never.

At Splash Mountain's crescendo, I have never, up to that point in my life, been so afraid.

When your coming on to the 'ride' you see one of those 'logs' with four rows of people on it emerging from a cave and dropped off a precipice, down a 70 degree waterfall. They emerge screaming and the intensity of their screaming increases as they slip off the edge and speed toward their watery graves at uncomfortable and unnatural speeds. Their faces possessed by an apparent mind-melting fear. Their mouths are open to a bizarre and inhuman degree. Young and old, male and female, of all colours and religions faced with the void react the same, as humans, with their mouths open so wide that it hurts, screaming uncontrollably. Fear once again brings all peoples of the earth together. Unity in fear. Disney, once again, is a metaphor for all agencies of power Government, Religion, Mothers Against Drunk Driving you name it.

It seems though the wait is a mere 55 minutes for the other suckers, we have 'fast passes', which is a license to feel like fat cats and cut to the front of a line that is literally 1500 feet long.

Ok, I'm running out of excuses here; 'motion sickness' isn't working, 'the lines too long' has just been cut short, and they're totally ignoring the coward angle. Their defenses are too strong, and my Jedi powers of charm are givin' me nuthin.'

Just before I get to the front of the line I eye the "last chance to escape" sign. No. I can't. I'll never, ever live that down. Ok. I'm doing it.

Them: Line up here sir.

For all I know this goes to a meat packing plant. Maybe this is how cows feel before the slaughter. Ooo fun, a conveyer belt.

Our 'log' arrives.

Me: Oh look, this casket seats 8 to 12.
Sonia: (shoots me a smile and a 'don't you dare run for it' look) Get in you pansy!

I get in the back. DON'T GET IN THE BACK. I'm telling you this now, I wish some one had told me.

(to be continued...)

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Today's Song of the Day is "Don't Go" by Yaz off their 1982 album "Upstairs at Eric's"

Crazy Fact: Vince Clarke had penned almost all of Depeche Mode's debut album, Speak & Spell, including their early dancefloor hit "I Just Can't Get Enough".
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So we float down The River Styx on our long, deep voyage into the accurséd bowels of 'Splash Mountain' (what a deceptive name 'Mountain of Inhuman Terror' is more like it.) It's dark, but they lull you into a feeling of safety with Bier Rabbit and Bier Wolf and the gang playing their banjos, chewing their hick grass with creepy animatronic repetition.

We burst into bright sunlight and drop off the edge of a cliff. I scream spontaneously. The fear grips me and squeezes out a scream. Nothing you can do about it. We hit the bottom with a splash and a jet of water.

Fuck. What a bunch of pansies. That was nothing. Fuck! They looked scared as hell. It looked so much bigger from the other side. I relax and lean back. That was a short ride. I feel a little ripped off, but in the end I'm pleased that I didn't puke, die or embarrass myself.

I float by the Disney characters getting their animantronic selves into all kinds of wacky situations. We leisurely float into another dark tunnel that goes black as pitch and drops into oblivion. The fear takes hold again and my mind melts into a blind panic. There is no thought. Only a sustained, high-pitched scream. We splash to a halt in the darkness.

My higher functions are returned to me as Primal Fear Pif recedes back into his pre-cambrian cave. The first thought that comes to me is 'Well that was a little embarrassing' and then comes the spontaneous laughter. We are all laughing and I think to myself. "Shit, this ride isn't over yet."

Yet more happy-but-tortured Disney animals on this journey though the abyss. Look at them, ghosts of a story some poor farmer or slave told another 100s of years ago, while struggling in toil through hot southern summers, twisted by Disney into a dollar bill. It's really bizarre. This is a haunted house.

The only words I remember from the whole 'ride', which now I'm sure is short for 'hell-ride' is 'Let's see if we can find your laughing place.' This is spoken by two vultures with black top-hats perched in front of a gravestone. They said it in that 'squeal like a pig, boy' sort of voice, while being lit from below. It was ominous and frightening. It foreboded a great calamity as we and our little floating death log was carried up and up and up a giant conveyor belt. Evil voices Laughing, surrounding us from all sides. Flashing demonic eyes appearing in the darkness. Suddenly a burst of light and we are high above the park. I can see clear to the ocean. The view is breathtaking.

Then we drop.

Fear takes hold and squeezes. As the Log of Safety lurches forward, fear grips harder. The point of balance shifts suddenly. Since all the weight is distributed to the front, I am launched forward out of the seat. Terror adds a another firm grip. Two hands of fear squeezing the rationality out me. One was really enough. My stomach tightens. My legs straighten, worsening my situation. As the full weight is pulled down the infinite drop ahead of me, my ass is up in the air desperate to be attached to the seat. I became aware of my screaming at this point, I think it's been going on for some time. I am sure of my death at this point. With all my fears and resulting supernatural strength I try to pull my ass down into my log coffin. The speed and acceleration are nearly unbearable. My mind is numb. My senses are on fire. My legs are strong with a primal survival instinct to run or jump. Jump is the really worry. My left hand is in total panic. I don't know what it's doing. Its reaching around for something to hold on to, waving around in the air, hitting me in the head... it's gone bye-bye. My right hand is so firmly gripped on to the plastic bar directly in front of me that it hurt for days.

The screaming was incredible. High-pitched, unnatural, definitely not masculine in the least. Not even feminine, past feminine, past little boy, past little girl, more like a bat, but louder, much, much louder. I think I dropped about 150 feet, though, I felt I was dropped from a plane, and though I aged a year, when we teetered, tipped and careened down down down it probably took only 3 or 4 seconds.

When we splashed to the bottom. I felt lucky to be alive. Laughing and exuberant. Like the kids in Star Wars when the trash-compactor stopped closing in on them.

When I climbed up Splash Mountain I was just a boy. When I got back down, I was a man.

There is something cleansing about that fear. For a moment there was nothing but fear, nothing, no school, no friends, no clothes, no fingers, no ideas, only fear. wow.

On our way off the ride another family walks up to us.

Family: Excuse me.
Sonia: Yes, can I help you?
Family: Our little boy is very sick and we have to go.
Sonia: Oh that's terrible, will he be alright?
Family: Oh yes But we have these fast passes and we can't use them.
Sonia: oh really...
Family: Would you like them?
Sonia: oh thank you, very much.
Family: We have four can you use them all?
Sonia: Yes we can.
Family: Have fun.
Sonia: Thanks, I hope he feels better.

Me: Wow, that was nice of them. What are they for?
Sonia looks at them smiles and looks at me with a hungry evil look.
Me: no way.
Sonia: Space Mountain!
Me: uh-uh
Sonia: Yes! It's fate!
Me: Look I'll puke, I will, that's no fun for anyone
Sonia: That's what you said last time.

I pause while I search for my next excuse

Wesam: C'mon, Pif.
Me: Ok.

How did he do that?! Wesam pushed some macho button or something. How did he do that? I'm not macho. Why am I doing this? I don't understand how he did that. It's an old Arabic mind-trick. I don't want to do this. 'C'mon, Pif' worked on me?! What?! This is impossible.

(to be continued...)

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Today's Song of the Day is "Free Fallin'" by Tom Petty & The Heartbreakers off their 1989 album "Full Moon Fever."

Crazy Fact: MCA wanted to release the 1981 follow-up to record to Damn the Torpedoes, at the list price of $9.98, which was a high price at the time. Petty refused to comply to their wishes, threatening to withhold the album from the label and organizing a fan protest that forced the company to release the record at $8.98. nice.
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Confused, I walk across the enormous 'Magic Kingdom' to my ultimate fear. Space mountain.

We are on the other side of the park in 'Frontierland' and I can see it, emerging from behind Cinderella's castle. Look at that monstrosity it's at least 10 stories high. Whatever is enclosed in that massive outer shell is obviously going to kill me.

How the hell did Wesam say 'c'mon pif' and bang I'm on my way to the death chamber. Just like that. He could get me to play russian roulette. fucking hell. I'm walking spanish over here. I look up again Though we are still probably a Kilometer away from it's base, it's massive hulking mass is very intimidating. My brain is racing with excuses, I'm trying them out and none of them'll fit. Shit. I'm cornered like a rat.

We get to the base of Space Mountain. The line up is like nothing I've ever seen, we've walked by it now for about 2 and a half minutes. And we just got to the entrance of the building. We start our ascent up Mount Doom. There's three of us. I guess that makes me gollum, great. We know what happens to gollum. I wonder which of these two is Frodo, probably Wesam. Definitely Wesam he just got that huge engagement ring for Sonia, that's the ring of power alright, so that makes Kelly Sam Wise. Alright, so now I know before I jump I have to bite off Wesams finger and watch for Kelly, she'll try to stop me. Ok, got it.

There's ominous space music playing. 'Alien' Landscapes to our right through portholes. Photos of nebulas and asteriods. I guess this is a space station thing. The line of eternal boredom that started about 1200 feet ago continues to my left. So Many People. Like Lambs to the slaughter, I think to myself. Wait a Minute I'm a lamb! I'm the Fast Tracked Lamb. Early to rise early to Die. Early bird gets the Death. All these space images... Walt you wily old fucker you did it again, but I know what your up to. I'm on to you. We climb up this steep ramp forever, well at least ten minutes. I look at the indifferent faces of the damned as I pass them by. I feel screaming 'We're ALL GONNA DIE!!" but I'd probably get arrested for terrorism.

Me: I'm going to scream the whole way like a little girl. You know that.
Wesam: (laughing) Oh, you know it.

Ok, that didn't help.

We finally make it to the front of the line. Our three seater missile of idiocy arrives. We step in. It locks us down. We sit there for several months as my hands sweat, my mouth dries out and my bladder pulsates. Wow. I'm really locked in good. shit. They really didn't lock me in to the last one. I wonder if that's a legal thing, or there just doing it to scare me, cause I really don't need any help. I think I can feel my hair turning white.

Wesam turns around smiling and gives me the thumbs up. It might as well have been the Devil himself. The moment he turns back the happy Disney employee pulls a giant lever like the one in Eraserhead and we start to roll. My stomach starts to jump around threatening to empty it's contents at any moment. We turn the corner and drop. I yelp. My stomach is very very unhappy with me. We stop for seemingly no reason. Hey that wasn't too bad.

Wesam: Not so bad hey buddy? You just wait.

We go into a giant tube with lights shooting past and they are counting down and it's REALLY REALLY Lame. Oh my god. I was scared of this?! We accelerate at an even pace as we head off the 'Launch pad.' Lame lame lame. This is so late fifties I could puke. Jesus. Splash Mountain could take this loser ride APART. We 'speed' toward the end of the tunnel with the count down increasing in volume and the pulsating lights flashing till I'm nearly having a seizure. lame. truely lame.

When we turn the corner, I start to scream and I don't stop for five minutes. Not like before, worse. Louder. Uncontrollably. So hysterically. Now like a bat, but a panicked ancient bat, who knows only fear.

When we turned the corner, we fell into utter darkness. That's how it stayed. For about 5 minutes of sustained terror. My mind went into a test pattern. Green screen of death. A system freeze, the mac bomb, followed by a hard re-boot to my unicellular ancestors. It was a fear that transcended time, transcended my species, my genetic make up. It went back behind the world wars, behind the discovery of bronze, before horses, before meteors wiped out the dinosaurs, before I had a spine, or anyone else. It was as primal as any fight for survival, as the first fight for survival. I was in the original living nightmare.

And locked in to that seat. I had only one way to express myself, to scream and boy did I scream.

All the facilities I relied on for my survival were taken from me. It was pitch black I was blind as a bat (fitting) My legs were locked into Apollo 13 over here and my hands, this time, were both freaking out. They had nothing to hold on to, they were lost to me, they had become like my ancestral tentacles of my great grandfather jelly fish, the were on there own. It was every cell for itself at this point.

The screaming continued. I tried to stop it. I couldn't. It stopped for a moment as I took a deep breath, I tried to hold it back but it started up right away, there was nothing I could do, it was hysterical. So embarrassingly and utterly beyond my control.

My mouth was wider then ever, my eyes were the size of saucers. With every turn, shake and dip into the nothingness my stomach tensed tighter and then tighter. My testicles ran hid behind my kidneys. What a picture to send home. How was Disney World 'the happiest place on earth'? And there is the picture of me, arms flailing, mouth agape, eyes wide, nutless, looking deep into my own mortality, rationality lost to the world. A being of pure fear. Oh, it was great.

Wesam and Kelly were also hysterical, but with laughter. They we laughing so loud, hard and long that every time I took a breath I could hear them laughing as uncontrollably as my screaming, at my screaming.

I'm so glad I didn't sit in the front. Thank you god for small favours.

When I got off. I was smiling, laughing, purified, twice in one day, an experience beyond reckoning. Something bigger, more emotional then anything if experienced in this lifetime. My body so pleased to be alive, so sure that it was going to be torn to pieces by wolves, or sharks or a bigger meaner super amoeba. nothing doing. Here I stand renewed twice in one day, I'm sure 50 percent of my blood was adrenaline and my stomach will never fully recover, but whatever.

The happiest man alive is the one shot at and missed.

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Today's Song of the Day is "Immigrant Song" by Led Zeppelin from "BBC Sessions" recorded in 1969.

Crazy Fact: I screamed louder and longer than Robert Plant in this song. I was unbelievable.

njoy

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