Monday, December 22, 2008

Villian thy name is Meatloaf.

When I was a kid my cousin Chris had Meatloaf's "Bat Out of Hell". I looked at the cover and was sure it was the sounds of hell itself. I was sure I could never withstand whatever this diabolical "Meatloaf" clearly the spawn of hell, hath wraught upon the world. As sure as Saturday morning cartoons there would be no way my innocent ears to bear hearing these sounds of ruination, this music of the damned, it would change me for the worse, fovever. One look at that cover was all the proof I needed.

I was so right and so wrong.

Many many years later I heard those horrible, curséd sounds, I was shocked. That COVER! THAT cover... is for THAT music.... no... it can't be. IT CAN'T BE!

I was right it was the worst music I'd ever heard, and I was right it was ruination, it was the ruination of the human race. I expected Cannibal Corpse and got the Four Seasons. It was impossible. I was scared of the g.d four fucking seasons, my whole life. but "bitch tits" had "Two outta three ain't bad" and "Paradise by the Dashboard Light" on here... not "Creeping Death"... not "Leper Messaih"... not even "Crazy Train"... but some of the worst music ever EVER written:

"The horror... The horror." It's fucking fucking fucking horrible. That fact that people listen to this at all breaks my heart. It causes my natural respect for the human race to dip below a requiste level to believe we are worth saving at all. Bath us in flame oh antichrist, start again, do over. So I was right it is from hell, I was right to be afraid of it. I betcha the devil is utterly un-cool. That's his last laugh. He is a whiney powerless fucking geek.

The fact that what I believed to be the "hardest" rock album cover of all time was really just two pieces of whitest crustless whitebread, the bookends of utter spiritual and emotional poverty, the empty, tastelessness husks, the outward component of an aesthetic equivalent of a ketchup sandwich. I  haven't judged a book by it's cover since. Oh 'tis a lesson I will neary forget. T'was the bitterest of teachers.

Turn, Hellhound, Turn, BACK to the fires which spawn'd thee!

Today's Song of the Day is "Down To The River To Pray" performed by Alison Krauss from the soundtrack from 2000 film "O Brother, Where Art Thou?"

Crazy Fact: In 1983, when she was 12 years old, she won the Illinois State Fiddle Championship and the Society for the Preservation of Bluegrass in America named her the Most Promising Fiddler in the Midwest.


Sunday, December 21, 2008

Diamonds in the Rough

I'm not a huge fan of Kevin Smith films but he has some Gems in those films to be sure.

I just saw
Clerks II which was not 'super-haha' for me but 'ok funny' but the funniest moments were very funny. They all surrounded the young innocent Elias and his interactions with snarky dirty-minded 30 something Randall. The best of the best, was when Elias admits to Randall that he hasn't had sex with his girl-friend because of the "Pussy Troll" her Christian parents put in her "pooter" to ensure her chastity, I laughed my hole off. When he said "Pillowpants" would bite his weiner off if he did, I nearly peed myself. PILLOWPANTS! Brilliant. No french-kissing either or "Listerfiend" will bite off his tongue. Awesome. I think there was a butt troll too, I forget it's name.

The acting between the two main guys was just so flat it was hard to watch at times but there are certainly moments of brilliance.

Like in Mallrats, I found
main guy's ranting irritatingly (who am I to talk) posed, emotionally monotoned and dated. But the 'Stink-palm' still makes me hold back laughs. The "Stink-palm" is when you put the palm of your hand right on your asshole and rub it around for a while just before you give a big hand shake to someone you don't like.

Fucking funny.

Today's Song of the Day is "Jambalaya (On The Bayou)" by Hank Williams off his 1952 compilations "40 Greatest Hits".

Crazy Fact:
Hank was buried in Montgomery, AL, three days later. His funeral drew a record crowd, larger than any crowd since Jefferson Davis was inaugurated as the President of the Confederacy in 1861.


Wednesday, December 17, 2008

Sir Salieri

What a turd. 

Sir Paul McBloodyCartney gets worse with every passing year. With every passing year he sees what a useless tit he is. His long life is his curse. It is a Joy to see him see how he will be remembered, watching him of him scratch at meaningfulness, clawing desperately to be seen as something more than a dipshit with a mostly useless talent for writing those oh so pretty love songs. 

He is a modern day Salieri, his better days, his BEST days, his only days worth a damn, were in collaberation. Now don't get me wrong, I'm not saying John is Mozart, he wrote plenty of solo crapola, but clearly the he is more meaningful figure of the two, representing something a little more than vapid pop sentimentality.

You can argue that John doesn't deserve it or whatever but of the two John deserves it more than Knight of the douchenozzles, sir Paul, revisionist turd bucket.

He fucking drives me nuts. All his vegan street cred he got from Linda, and promptly lost when he married that one-legged blondey before Linda's corpse was even cold.

BTW I'm ranting about Sir Splogeater's claims that "I politicised the Beatles." Read this shitfeast:

"For instance, Vietnam. Just when we were getting to be well known, someone said to me: 'Bertrand Russell is living not far from here in Chelsea, why don't you go and see him?' and so I just took a taxi down there and knocked on the door."

He added: "He was fabulous. He told me about the Vietnam war – most of us didn't know about it, it wasn't yet in the papers – and also that it was a very bad war.

"He was fabulous"?!!? "A very bad war"?!?! oh yes very very naughty war, we shouldn't be having those should we, sir Paul. Fortunately there are all these FABULOUS people, a taxi ride away, just sitting about, waiting to tell people to tell you about it. 

What a STEAMING pile of shit.

Today's Song of the Day is "Piss Up A Rope" by Ween off their 1996 album "12 Golden Country Greats".

Crazy Fact: For the tour supporting this album their backing unit was dubbed the Shit Creek Boys(which included steel guitarist Stuart Basore, guitarist Danny Parks, fiddler Hank Singer, and bassist Matt Kohut)


Monday, December 15, 2008

Car Crash

A few new facts. According to the NY Times, the amount of overall traffic in New York City has decreased even though the total population has increased. Hmmm... what does that tell you? People are making due without the almighty automobile. It seems. Which brings me to a rare, logical conclusion... People are Awesome! I never get to think that, let alone say it. wow.

In case you had any lingering doubts, the crime rate in the Big Apple has also dropped during this same time period and people, now feeling safe, are out and about in larger numbers than in previous years. SOoo if you were thinking people were just staying home and therefore there was less traffic as a result. Sorry dude. Again, I must conclude a most unlikeme thing... People are Awesome!

They are taking the bus, taking the subway, walking, biking, running carpooling to an energy efficient foot stompin' greeny green tune. Screw you manufacturer!

It seems another suspicion I've had for many a year has been verified, validated and vindicated. Drivers are criminals. All of them. see SEE! I told you.

Taking the bus makes you smart (see Repoman). Walking makes you feel kindness and generous toward your fellow earthlings (try it, you'll see). Driving leads to ROAD RAGE!!! (read previous phrase with monster truck tone of voice). Running leads to serenity and the occasional embarrassment. Did you know that 100% of ALL white collar criminals own/owned a drivers license? Did YOU? All of them. see SEE!

Every single crime either you or I can think of, needs a car to commit: the 'high-speed' chase. the 'Hit-and-Run'. the 'carjack'. the 'drunken driving'. the 'auto-theft'. the 'drive-by shooting'. the 'poppa wheelie'. the 'doing doughnuts' (which is also fattening). do I REAALLY need to go on? All of them. see SEE!

They simply *must* be stopped. (exit nutso Victorian school marm)

All for your reading pleasure my peeps. hmm... I think I'll drag on Zombie Week for a few more days, I keep forgetting to talk about them.

Today's Song of the Day is "Haitian Fight Song" by Charles Mingus off his 1957 album "The Clown".

Crazy Fact: This song rocks. At one of his concerts in Philadelphia -- and a memorial to a dead colleague at that -- he broke up the show by slamming the piano lid down, nearly smashing his pianist's hands, and then punched trombonist Jimmy Knepper in the mouth. 


Saturday, December 13, 2008

Free market my hole.

Now the Canadian Government wants to give 2-3 BILLION dollars to GM to stay in Canada.


For every GM or Ford plant that closes a Honda or Toyota plant opens... so why are we doing this? They are not Canadian companies - they don't get my money - and these companies build a product people don't want - the don't get my money. Stick with the winning team, the winning teams are not from the U.S. 

And they may not survive EVEN IF they get our money! Huh?

They say even IF they get our money they will still have to close their North American plants for "a while" and they MAY go under anyway. no No NO! No money for you douchebags!

The market has spoken. You suck. Go away and let a company with vision and profits take your place. I hate this crap. It just shows you how deeply our economic system is soaked in Bullshit! The "Free market economy" story they tell us is crap. It's convenient story they tell every time the want to screw over the little guy or turn a blind-eye to the arts, and one they forget to tell every time they bailout some enormous earth-eating corporation or hand-out some government contract to their pals. 

P.S. I like zombies.

Today's Song of the Day "Surprise! You're Dead!" by Faith No More off their 1989 album "The Real Thing".

Crazy Fact: Courtney Love was at one time the lead vocalist for Faith No More. No lie, in the early years, pre-1985.


Friday, December 12, 2008

Sinking in the USA

It was communism or economic doom and the U.S. Senate chose doom. Either they had to buy-in and control the American auto industry or let it sink. 


Now the questions is Which one will sink first? I'm hoping GM. Ford says they are "ok for now" and Chyrsler is owned by the very rich uber-secretive privately owned Cerebus corporation. I would love to see GM sink electric car killing mutherfuckers.

American cars a a perfect representation of what is destroying the planet. Shit has got to change and jobs in shitty industries have to go. It's great news. That being said should one of these planet destroying monsters go under, an estimated 3 million jobs will be lost. HOLY shit that's a lot of jobless.

Maybe communism is coming to the USA either road they take. If they can't take the business end of the competitive free economy the aspouse so patriotically, maybe they should change there tune. That fact is the there cars suck ass and they should sink. Many of those jobs will simply move to Toyota and Honda as they fill the void with there better product.

In other Zombie-related news, Zombies eat brains so the can be happy dead, we eat bacon so we can die happy.

Today's Song of the Day is "Evil Ways" by Carlos Santana of his 1968 debut album "Santana". 

Crazy Fact: Carlos Santana was originally in his own wing of the Latin Rock Hall of Fame. (BTW the link under the title is semi-NSFW (sound only) in case you'd get fired for the words "Jizz in my pants" being repeated over and over and over.)


Tuesday, December 02, 2008

A little Zombie History.

Ah the Wikipedia:
"According to the Merriam-Webster dictionary, the etymology is from the Louisiana Creole or Haitian Creole zonbi, of Bantu origin. A zonbi is a person who is believed to have died and been brought back to life without speech or free will. It is akin to the Kimbundu nzúmbe ghost. These words are approximately from 1871."
Why do people still give the wikipedia so much grief? We all use it. Those who are well situated in positions of authority are clearly threatened by the idea of relinquishing control of the definition of fact, and will do anything in their power to discredit it. Don't let them y'all. Their powers begin to fade, we can all see it. The threat is real and envitable. A real democracy is coming, you're watching it rise.

Today's Song of the Day is "Gris-Gris Gumbo Ya Ya" by Dr. John Creaux (the Night Tripper) off his 1968 album "Gris-Gris".

Crazy Fact: According to legend, this was hurriedly cut with leftover studio time from a Sonny & Cher session.


Monday, December 01, 2008

Faster Zombiecat Kill Kill!

Zombies are best.

The slow shambling death which catches you if your unaware. which mauls you if you try going out on a limb to help others; which leaves you all alone -- surrounded by impending death pounding on the door, moaning through the walls -- if you don't. It can smell you, it wants you, to eat your life and turn you into it's agent. You can hide for a while, but by human nature, inevitably, someone makes a mistake, some careless act.. lets... Them... IN! AAAAAAA! FOOLS!

It finds us all. 

It will find you. 

You can run and it will slowly chase you. You can hear the undead groan as the mob gets closer. The mob come for us all and eventually we succumb. Unless we, by our own hand, do ourselves in. To prevent the horror of the afterlife, we must embrace it, cease to fear the end and take our life into our own hands... or get on a helicopter and escape to a desert island where there are no dead people. Which is a lame Hollywood ending and a much more marketable conclusion. I guess Sartre was right, Hell IS other people.

This is one of the reasons why I hate "fast zombies", they totally miss the point. 

I guess now in the information age everything is *soooo* fast we have to speed up the zombies or we get bored. Or maybe we believe we are *soooo* advanced that those "lame 60s slow zombies" are no real threat. 

Hubris! Hubris I tell you. It is that very hubris that causes our demise. The fear of death leads to madness and to screaming irrationality. Give those irrational ones a chance, a little piece of power, and they'll ruin it for everyone. They pound on the door of us all, but only the careless let them in. It's creeping slowness makes us believe we can handle it, that we've got it under control. And when we get comfortable, when we feel safe, then are we our most vulnerable, most at risk. For it's window of opportunity is opened by inattention, carelessness and comfort. It is then, quiet slow breathless cold death comes from the shadows and... BWHAHAHAHAHAAA! DOOOM!

When we fear them too much we act irrationally, When we fear them too little we become careless. It's a sticky situation to avoid the zombie, let me tell you, I've given it plenty of thought.

Slow is awesome. That's the way it should be. So mote it be.

Like zombie bite. A bite full of the disease of death. Which slowly takes you and turns you into one of them, not a fast crazy disease that takes you in a second, death is a much classier a unstoppable truth than that.

Today's Song of the Day is "Aese's Death" by Edvard Grieg from his 1888 Peer Gynt Suite for Orchestra No.1 Opus 46. Though originally composed in 1867 as incidental music for the Ibsen play of the same name.

Crazy Fact: Edvard Grieg and Henrik Ibsen were friends and creative partners. This Orchestral Suite is extracted from the incidental music to Ibsen's play, Peer Gynt. Of the four pieces this is the 3rd least famous. "Morning Mood" and "In the Hall of the Mountain King" are recognizable immediately to most modern listeners. What is crazy is I never made the connection. I never realized these pieces were written to be performed together. Theatre degree don't fail me now! *sputter* *sputter* *pop* *fizzle*