A Scatological Fear Rules Me.

(please follow the link under the title it is FUCKING FUNNY!)

I have one Major fear. We all have them and they're always unique and specific. Mine is no different.

I don't want to shit myself on the bus.

If I were to shit myself anywhere else the first emotion I would feel would be relief, "Thank God I'm NOT on the bus." I'd be SO happy about it I'd probably pick up the phone and call all my friends in fits of hysterical chatter "I shit my self WHOOOOOO! It's Awesome! I was watching tv and I shit myself! It's in my pants RIGHT NOW! Really! WHOOOO! I'll save you some! Come over you HAVE to see this"

The idea of shitting myself on the bus. Having to sit in it, bumping and winding through streets. Smelling it, knowing everyone else is triangulating that shit smell to you. Looking at you in that awful florescent light. Trying to figure out why your not doing anything about it. Realizing there is nothing you can do about it, and then for the rest of the trip silently smelling and pitying your shit covered ass with a pungent mixture of disgust and compassion.

Seeping through your clothes. Getting on the seat. Getting on everything. And at the top of this stinking heaping of inconveniently and public placed shit, is your face. I'd die. After I died. I'd have to wait for my stop. Minutes would be as hours as your brain traced the route from your present location to home, again and again and again. Then you have to peel your ass off the shitty seat and your shitty pants slip away from your legs and you yank that cord. Then sit inevitably back into your own shit. Then you wade through a lifetimes worth of embarrassment as you waddle slowly and past everyone on the bus, ass blanketed in shit face bathed in shame. Their pity and disgust reaching a deafening crescendo. Then the final gauntlet, terrible in it's own right, the walk home. Let's hope it not a long walk. The less time you have to feel your own cooling feces slide down the inside of your leg, jerking a little closer to the bottom of your pant leg with every step. Like a trail of bread crumbs, your feces traces the final leg of your, shameful, foul-smelling sojourn home.

I wouldn't leave the house for a year.


Today's Song of the Day is "Baby Elephant Walk" by Henry Mancini off the 1962 Album "Hatari! (The Original Motion Picture Score)"

Crazy Fact: Henry Mancini won four Oscars and twenty Grammys, the all-time record for a pop artist.

njoy