So, I started on the speed again. The Methylphenidate this time. eek. it's goal, it's medical effect is to change my personality. very scarey stuff. I started it yesterday and tomarrow I double the dose. jeesus. only to 20 mgs twice a day but it's still freaking me out I have to take 4 a day. and the worst part is it's goal is to make me different that my personality type is 'undesireable' even worse is that I've decided it was undesirable. fuck. fucked. fucked up.
Last time I took Pemoline it was waay different it was one pill in the morning and 14 hours later it's effect 'drops off' and but 'drops off' I mean I get no sleep, ever. I slept a couple hours a night for weeks and months on end. This drug is now banned in Canada for causing liver failure.
Fortunately with this one (methylphenidate) it's only effective for 3-4 hours that why I have to take it twice a day. I have to take it in the morning, but I'm going to have to change my sleep habits, I wonder if I have to change my drinking habits too. There are no labels on it that indicate that though.
Another big concern for me is i'm going to lose weight because of no appitite and increase metaboilism. I'm just little. two more scoops of freak out.
So there's my boring freak-out rant.
I think i'm going to be boring on the speed, which is the goal. it's scares me a little.
When I was in high school they had me pumped up with 113 mg of Pemoline and I stopped speaking, i didn't do anything but play my keyboard. That's too much speed.
I'm also a little worried about sexual side effects. I can't find anything on the net to indicate that but the trying to push an oyster into a parking meter effect is not desired
Am I all focused now? I don't know? I wonder if I'm boring you. Am I rambling in a different way then my usual way? Am I too serious? is that the drugs or is it because I'm a little freaked out and trying to analyze everything?
I'm all paranoid about this... as you may have noticed. I guess it's kicked in cause I took it an hour ago. It makes me a little jealous.. weird freudian slip... I'm mean, it makes my dizzy a bit. Like I want less to go on and if too much goes on then I feel a little overwhelmed, also like my peripheral vision is deadened like a bit of tunnel vision. I'm typing alot and kind of don't want to stop, I don't want to do anything else. I guess that's the focusing effect, which is the one I want so I can get fucking decent marks in school. but I kind of blew it last term. I know that's partially to do with going to paris but I'm too old to get anything less than an A. I want to go to grad school and my GPA bites my ass. I need a 3.0 and I need every mark to bring me up.
I think this is probably boring. I kind of want to keep typing though. again I don't know if that's the drugs of just me right now. this is going to take some getting used to.
ok I'm 'going to change the subject.
no i'm not.
I't really strange to have a will. To just do whatever you want and get it done instead being at the whim of your enviorment, a victim of your surroundings. oops I forgot I saw a flashy light or heard a noise and had to look and it reminded me of something else I forgot to do, which cycles. Cycles of remembering and breifly engauging in series of semi-completed tasks, never really accomplishing anything. Suddenly that's not the case. I simply do stuff. I just do it and get it done. I have such a strong will, an overpowered will without the distraction hampering me. It's a simple thing to do anything, to stay on task, as I had to put so much effort to do anything, to make it through my day before.
I'd forget to eat and pee for example, and get caught circle of remembering I had to take a piss and walking back up stairs and forget what I'm doing and call a friend and remember I was hungry stare in the fridge get distracted, go down stairs and sit down to write an email remember I had to pee go back upstairs to piss then make a sandwich go back downstairs take a bite and remember I had to pee now really badly and run upstairs and not forget because it's an emergency, repeat untill sleep's sweet release.
I think that's enough. It brings back a lot of shit for me, these drugs PROVE i'm not normal and put all my inadaquacies in my face and dance. I see through the looking glass what a 'normal person' is like I get to live it. it is an ontological change. I change into being, a 'more desireable' being, one more like everyone else, and it's easier, it's better and that hurts.
I have mixed feelings really, I know I'm losing something I know it's making me 'better' at living and being like everyone else it's like I was a paraplegic and now I can walk around and evern run. if feels good, but I kind of belong in the chair. I kind of am now a being that I am not, it's a personality change, conscious, controlled, a deal with the devil.
Am I too serious? ok ok time to stop.
Today's Song of the Day is "Mad World" by Gary Jules off his 2001 album "Trading Snakeoil for Wolftickets."
Crazy fact: This remake of a Tears for Fears song is used in the film 'Donnie Darko.'
njoy
2 comments:
Wow, so that was like a panic post, eh?
Don't be so hard on yourself man. It's not that you're fucked up, it's just that your superpowers aren't appropriate for a normal life.
I was playing poker last night and remembering your twisted peripheral vision. Unfortunately it's more useful for a ninja than for a computer geek. Fortunately, they've been developing drugs to help you disguise yourself as a computer geek that won't kill your liver.
Good luck buddy, hold it together, pee sooner.
Wow, you can really hear the new focus in your post. You seem less scattered and distractable. That must certainly be weird at first.
I agree w. D. Don't be so hard on yourself. The adjustment to a slightly "clearer" reality will always generate a certain amount of panic.
Can't wait to party with ya in focus mode. That should prove very interesting. Maybe now some progress will be achieved.
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