While in Florida watching Spongebob on Nickelodeon I learned a little something my girlfriend prooved to me in bed. I'm not sure that sentence works but WHATEVA... I fart a lot. When your in bed you fart, you take a sniff make sure all is well down there and hit the snooze bar. Add a girlfriend and it's a little different... insert fear between fart and sniff and keep the fear cranked until you are sure it's bad. Then sheepishly murmer:
P: I farted and I'm sorry, it's bad, quite bad. Sorry.
S: I'm sure it not tha -GOOD LORD!
P: but it was SOO littLE! I had NO IDEA...
S: Jesus SAVE ME!
P: Yeah... it's bad. The thing is you don't want to breath through you nose 'cause of the smell and if you breathe through your mouth... well then you are tasting air that came out of my ass... even if you can't taste it...
S: (stunned pause) GROSS!!
P: Sometimes they're quiet and DON'T STINK I can't figure it..
S: Dude, you fart ALOT!
P: Really?
S: really.
As I lied there I remembered something I saw in between episodes of Spongebob. If you eat Meat your farts smell really bad and are small and if you eat vegitables you have a lot to fart but they don't REALLY smell. I think it's only Fair to the Girlfriend that I become a Vegitarian.
Today's Song of the Day is "Collard Greens and Black-Eyed Peas" by Bud Powell off his 1953 compliation "The Best Of Bud Powell."
Crazy Fact: In a racial incident, he was beaten on the head by police; Powell never fully recovered and would suffer from bad headaches and mental breakdowns throughout the remainder of his life.
njoy
4 comments:
1) if you are going to be good friends with me, learn to spell "vegetarian"
2) this sort of post makes me question the whole blog institution. we DON'T NEED TO KNOW THIS.
c
I don't know Cel. Does it not provide insight into male neurosis?
And everyone knows meat eaters can't spell. Just look at the statistics.
I personally know it's best (for me) to avoid red meat, onions, milk, and if I am truly honest, coffee. But, men aren't lactose-intolerant, we just fart a lot. Oh, last night's Guinness and Cider celebration in the "Best Irish Pub in Berlin" (The Emerald Isle... green light and a woody cavey feel, I dunno) was a real drawn-out rectal inspiration.
ha ha! somehow i missed this posting until today -- so, pif, how's the plant-based diet working for you?
i have to say, i think you're right on all counts. but you know why meat/dairy eaters have smellier farts, right? it's because that crap sits around in your gut for weeks. fermenting. rotting.
i have a friend who eats a reasonably healthy omnivorous diet who did a cleanse where he would only ingest freshly squeezed lemon juice with honey and cayenne pepper. he managed to stay on the cleanse for 22 days, if you can believe it, but continued to crap for 10. he was still crapping 10 days after he had stopped eating solid food.
and this guy eats his veggies. just imagine how long the average meat'n'tater guy would have kept dropping the kids off at the pool, as they say.
it's no wonder so many people get colon cancer.
personally, i love farting. especially now that i have an 11 year old on whose head i can toot. (yes, i'm exploring some of the benefits of living with a young Y chromosome, and, at the same time, experiencing a little of what it must have been like to have a sibling.) he loves it -- in a horrified sort of way.
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