way to choke

So it's my last exam and I'm feeling kinda burnt and studied out. So with limited success I stave off procrastination. The last refuge to the procrastinator is the "what is my mark so far" activity.

I busted my ass to get a good grades during the term and the ass-busting worked. Considering my usual routine is to have blown it by now I'm feeling pretty good about the outcome of the "Mark so far game" I averaged it all out and figured for sure I got an A with the outside chance of an A- (so far) in Discrete Math (Number theory, Set Theory, Logic, Mathematical Proofs.) So I'm feeling pretty good about the concept of getting an A in a university math course especially one as primarily conceptual as this one.

I can feel summer on the verge of snapping into action.

These three things:
- "almost done" / "summer's here" vibes
- Last exam burn-out
- and general disorientation due to a lack of fucking up (I think you people call this confidence, but this concept is foreign to me)

led to an atomic exam room choke.

Stage one, a second guess on the first question, lead to a rise in temperature and full-on, full-body sweat.

Stage two, my mind blanked on the basic predicate logic question, causing a frantic and time consuming search for an 'easy question'

Stage three, a wave of anxiety at the failure to find the sanity saving "easy question" hence sanity was not saved, thus, sanity was lost.

Stage four, looking around the arena for any-other freaking class-mate in the 'insanity loves company' mental state. What I saw was a hockey rink brimming with a terrible fear, each of us struggling in silence. Each of us at our cheap wobbly exam time tables, scratching our fear into pencil marks answering questions each question answered asks another, is that right? Each answered question dumping it's own load of fear to the bigger question, Will I get a good grade? Will I fail? Will I make it? Will I be ok? Am I ok? Am I smart? Am I good enough?

It was at this point I felt like standing on my desk wildly waving a white flag, not in surrender but as a call to arms, as to signal the revolution. We can escape our fear! We can overcome the Tyrants! The Bureaucracy! The hypocrisy! We mortgage our future. We pay out thousands for a raffle ticket to happiness. And they corral us all in here like chattel to grovel for marks! Rise up my fellow students Rise up and... and what? drink some beer and scout out hotties in the library? This sucks.

Stage five, Hope that I don't blow it and do my best with the rest of the suckers in the room.

This song has nothing to do with the above rant.


Today's Song of the Day is "Androgynous" by the The Replacements off their 1984 album "Let It Be."

Crazy Fact: Originally, the band was called the Impediments, but they changed their name to the Replacements after being banned from a local club for disorderly behavior.

njoy