Telling People.

It was weird I felt strangely reluctant to tell Caleb that I was getting married. It was a goodbye party for him and Mara, because now back for 10 hours from their honeymoon they are driving to Vancouver to start a new life. Caleb got into Law school at UBC so that was that and off they go. Graduated, married, accepted and across the country he goes. Anyway... I was strangley relucant to tell him. I think it was 'cause he was surrounded by people but I knew it was my only chance 'cause I knew I had to do it in person. It's oddly embarrasing or something. Me and Sarah sat there periodically looking at each other with strange looks of "now?" and "Whadayathink?" and "I don't know" and "This is weird."

Anyway it's weird. I kind feel like it's none of their business. With every person I tell it changes our relationship at bit. I'm not sure how. Every reaction has an impact. Each one is slightly different, I'm very sensitive to each one and each one stays with me. They are all quite earnest and honest and different and complex. It's a little overwhelming and anti-climatic at the same time. Each time it's not what I expect. Anyway... that's my rant on the subject for now.


Today's Song of the Day is "Shake Your Rump" by the Beastie Boys off their 1989 album "Paul's Boutique"

Crazy Fact: This album was made right after their messy, litigious departure from Def Jam and their flight from their beloved New York to Los Angeles.

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Going to the Chapel (or something)

Sarah asked me to Marry her 5 times.

I said yes everytime but I said I needed a ring four of those times. Does that make me a princess? I believe I'm capable of being a princess, but I still don't think it makes me a princess, this time.

I have a ring so we are getting married.

(sigh)

ok that's big news so that's all for today.


Today's Song of the Day is "I Will" by The Beatles off their 1968 album" White Album."

Crazy Fact: Before the Beatles, Ringo Starr drummed for a Band called Rory Storm & the Hurricanes.

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No Flyers Please

New and evermore irritating ways of spamming are invented every damn day. I've bee getting strange and annoying spam in my comments recently. It's fucking annoying.

Spam is like flyers sent directly into my brain. I have to read just enough to understand it's spam, just enough to know what the hell penis enlargement pill or "super secret" stock tip or way to save on gas they're offering. Just long enough to piss me off.

"Listen up you bite-hole spammer, you are a fucking discomfort that is most noticable when I should be most fucking comfortable!"

"and if you do not listen, then to Hell with you!" -Conan the Barbarian (talking to Crom)


Today's Song of the Day is "Summertime Rolls" by Jane's Addiction off their 1988 album "Nothing's Shocking."

Crazy Fact: In the 1997 Jane's Addiction reunion tour Red Hot Chili Peppers bassist Flea played bass.

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Ass-Neck Key to Universal Understanding.

My neck hurts like fucking CRAZY. It's an extremely frustrating sort of pain because it was pretty much non-existent all day until went home. Now it only hurts when I put my head down. That's totally unfair. When you feel shitty the one thing the universe should allow you to do is lay the fuck down. This dirty universe is out to get me today. This universe is a real pain in the neck. I guess that's why they call it a pain in the neck 'cause you can't lie down... I guess the same goes for a pain in the ass, because you can't sit down. So instead of saying,

"Buddy your a fucking pain in the fucking ass!"

I should say,

"Buddy your like a fucking discomfort that is most noticable when I should be most fucking comfortable!"

Hey that works. The universe make more sense today than yesterday! AWESOME! oh I get it, nice, so now i'm supposed to thank the universe for this pain in my neck for the greater understanding it's provided me. bullshit. Fuck you universe! I want to lie down you asshole.

And you! Conscience, I got a thing or two to say to you when I'm through with the universe over here so SHUT IT! and don't be so fucking TOUCHY. Fuck! I'm surrounded by ASSHOLES! and my NECK hurts! AAARG!


Today's Song of the Day is "You Might Think" by The Cars off there 1984 album "Heartbeat City."

Crazy Fact: They are from Boston. not crazy... the nickname of the producer of this album is "Mutt."

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New Blogger

My friend Celery (yes I AM in a weird name club) has just started a blog. Here's the link:

http://somegetstrange.blogspot.com/

Everybodies bloggin' baby. get on it! Stare deep into that navel of yours and tell the WORLD what you see. You'll never look back, actually you'll never look away. The level of self-involvement sky rockets after the first two weeks. One you get over the reality of what your doing, you start to believe people are actually reading what you have to say. Once that happens you start to believe people actually CARE what you have to say. Then it's over your navel become a gate way to the mysteries of the universe.

That's how it begins.


Today's Song of the Day is "Hang Onto Yourself" by David Bowie off his 1972 album "The Rise And Fall Of Ziggy Stardust And The Spiders From Mars."

Crazy Fact: In 2002 Lightfoot suffered a near-fatal abdominal hemorrhage while performing in his hometown of Orillia, Ontario, causing him to cancel his fall tour and putting him in a coma.

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Copyright is Unethical. (Part 1)

I think copyright should be abandoned.

Yes, totally abandoned.

I publish this blog for free. You read it for free. I want to write it, you want to read it. All free. So I'm no hypocrite on the subject. And doods... it takes a chunk of time, let me tell you. But I want to. I'm not motivated to write for profit. Where expression is concerned, 'the profit motive' is an impediment, and it simply doesn't belong.

Music and 'art' motivated by profit fucking sucks, it's bad art. Brittany Spears is BAD music. An inspired musician/writer/painter would do it where they were paid or not. It seems to me that an individual who has something to express, fights for the freedom to do so. They fight for an audience, they just want to be heard. They need to express something and they need it to be heard.

Not to mention 99.991% of musicians make their bread through performance, not through record sales. Ask any local musician. Look at a Symphony. All the music they perform is Public Domain. For the most part they aren't rolling in bills, but hey, neither am I, neither are you. Those at the very top are a little over paid anyway.

End of my first point.


Today's Song of the Day is "Radio Free Europe" by R.E.M. off their 1983 album "Murmur."

Crazy Fact: Michael Stipe frequented the Wuxtry record store where Peter Buck was a clerk. Buck had been a fanatical record collector, consuming everything from classic rock to punk and free jazz, and was just beginning to learn how to play guitar. Discovering they had similar tastes, Buck and Stipe began working together.

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Cast and Crew

My last few posts were about Caleb's wedding. There are some shots on my site from the wedding if you want to check them out do it.

http://www.flickr.com/photos/pif/

I personally like to put face to names and whatnot. Andnot to mention. ok ok to mention, 'cause I'm totally mentioning it right now... if your interested enough in my life to read my blog it's your duty to see what the hell these people look like. DUTY I tell you DUTY! The problem with you kids today is you know nothing of duty, like to one's parents and the Crown and to Patriarchy and to Jesus. No respect for tradition I tell you none what-so-ever. Sinful. Simply sinful.


Today's Song of the Day is "Hound Dog" by Big Mama Thornton, released as a single in 1953.

Crazy Fact: Willie Mae "Big Mama" Thornton dressed like a man and took no guff from anyone, except maybe Elvis. She recorded "Hound Dog" in 1953 and it held down the top slot on Billboard's R&B charts for seven long weeks. Then Elvis covered it.

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Penetrating Stare (Part Two)

(Continued...)

Many moons ago I was in The Marquee Club talking to her. She was drunk, I was drinking. She went to get another drink and two other younger/cuter/thinner girls come over and talk to me. I was having a good night. When our she returned with another drink she tried to muscle back into position. I must say I kind of liked watching them vie for position. Finally, one of the other girls looked at her, looked at me, looked back at her and did shoes to hair size up, turned back to me and said.

"You've GOT to be kidding."

It's was so arrogant and rude. I was totally shocked. So I stumbled and said,

"Actually were OLD friends." Then I gave her a disgusted look and turn my back on the two of them. They wandered off.

Well now I was her Knight in Shining Armour, her defender. So what was just idle banter now heated up. uh-oh. I don't really like this. I'm being friendly, but I feel like I committed to something by defending her and now I'm gently defending myself from her drink buying and long looks.

Somewhere during one of those hair twirling, glassy-eyed long looks she works up the courage to use her killer line. So with a bit of a hair fluffing, and a wiggle she says the worst thing I've ever heard. What makes it so bad isn't just the disturbingly factual and personal nature of the sentence, but also that it's intended effect was so off target. So very very VERY off target. So with the sexiest lick of her teeth she can muster she arches her back a little, twirls her hair on the end of her finger and says in a breathy voice,

"I haven't been penetrated in 8 months."

I'm stunned, mouth open staring back at her, eyes wide with fear.

"Ok, I'll do it. THEM. Fold them. that way, her way. Yes. Yes we certainly can fold those Napkins the other way." Suddenly I'm back from the past, looking at her recognize me in the same moment I remember her. I hope to god, she remembers something else.

"Oh, good" She smiles and leaves. I can't get a read on her, but I can get a read on Sarah and she's fuming.

I love cheering her up. I'm pretty good at it. When she got that grumpy look on her face and I can totally melt it into smiles... ah makes me feel good. So I do, it does. and no matter what the Caterer says from that point on it's so much easier to bare.

And we all made fun of her ever after. The End.


Today's Song of the Day is "Drinkin' Wine Spo-dee-o-dee " by Jerry Lee Lewis which was released as a single in 1958.

Crazy Fact: "Drinking Wine Spo-Dee O-Dee" was written during WWII by Stick McGhee, the brother of blues great Brownie McGhee. Stick first recorded it in 1946 on Harlem, then again in 1949 for Atlantic.

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Penetrating Stare (Part One)

I think this is hilarious. It kind of at Somebody's expense. Ah whatever, everybody says stupid stuff when they are drunk. Everybody who drinks should know how to take your beats, if you don't... don't drink and don't do stupid stuff.

ANYWAY... enough of the disclaimer.

So about 10-am Caleb's Mom calls me in a panic the day of her son's Wedding and says: "Reception... Mara's Crying... Please help... need you and Rob... anyone else... not enough time... boat club... go go go!"

So Robin, Sarah and I go down to the boat club and tell the people there we are here to help set up.

We stand around and look at them.
We stand around and look at each other.
We shrug.
We stand around and look at them, again.
We stand around and look at each other, again.
And again we shrug.

I break from the group and ask the closest, most frantic and vaguely familiar person what they want us to do. She looks at me. We pause as we both struggle to remember where we recognize each other from. She gives up and says we can fold napkins.

Pif: "Great, I know this AWESOME way to fold napkins my sweetheart taught once when I went to her work to beg forgiveness for sending an ill-conceived e-mail about how she spent her time with everyone else but me and in putting myself in her service napkin folding I worked my way back in to her heart and along the... Am I saying this out loud? ...nope."

Pif: "Great! I know this AWESOME way to fold napkins... um... Sarah taught me... um this is Sarah... it's cool. watch... er...um.. I can't do it, show her baby."

Sarah silently, gracefully and expertly folds the napkin in the Tribecaesque dinnerware holding fashion and proudly presents it to this Vaguely familiar woman who I still can't place.

Caterer: "Umm No. Like this."

We are put out. We watch. Her way bites. Whatever it's not my Party. Rob, Sarah and I fold and talk. After we fold 80 or so, she comes back.

Caterer: 'How much are you going to hate me?'
Sarah: "Depends. What do you have to say."
Caterer: "I think we should fold the Napkins the other way."

We pause. Sarah hates do overs and repeating herself.

Sarah: "...sure."

The caterer turn to me for approval. Suddenly I flash to where I met her.

(to be Continued...)


Today's Song of the Day is "Avila and Tequila by Hank Mobley off his 1955 album "Hank Mobley Quartet."

Crazy Fact: In 1961, Mobley was hired to replace John Coltrane in Miles Davis' quintet.

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Speech (Part Two)

When it's time to go to the ceremony I cram the fragments of my speech into my Tuxedo pocket.

I try to work on it before we go in.
I try to work on it while we are taking wedding photos in the gardens.
I try to work on it in the car to the reception.
And I, of course, talk about my wedding speech panic endlessly.

Whilst sushizing at the head table the best man, Wren, tells me he has written a speech and I can stand down.

"Thank GOD!" The swell of relief was intoxicating. I told everybody in the world that I didn't have to do a speech and how I'm now totally freaking out at how relieved I am, I get to caleb,

"Oh my god, no worries buddy, Wren's got a speech. We're good."

He put his hand on my shoulder and says, "Pif it would mean a lot to me if you also spoke at my wedding. I want to hear the one that makes you cry."

I felt like it was a scene out of the godfather. Like the "No Sicilian can refuse a request made on the day of his daughters wedding, but different. bastard.

The speeches start. FUCK! I tell Ariel, the MC, to give me time. He does. I start to write. I cut out everything that make me want to cry and rebuild feverishly.

Wren does his speech. It's a tear-jerker, show-stopper. fuck. I was going to put it up here but I left it in my Tux pocket. It was the whole "you sang me to sleep/ kept our family together/ held me when I was scared, you're the best big brother ever" sort of thing.

ME: "I'm going to PUKE that was so good! Jeesus!"
CALEB: "FUCK! I have to follow that?! Lord help us!"

Caleb is an asshole. His was just as good, it was to the mother of the bride. I work on my speech.

Robin get up and does his and it's funny and roasting and embarrassing for Caleb and perfect. I work on my speech.

And then finally, there's me, the one who thought about it the most. And it was just ok, like not good, not terrible just a little below average. It's totally anti-climatic, I get up, the mic squeals, hearing yourself speak is awful, I talk about how awful it is to hear your own voice. Everyone's looking at me, I talk about how everyone is looking at me. I say my four paragraphs. I run offstage before I toast. Run back raise my glass and be line for the back of the room. It's awkward. it's over.

I should have gone up and improvised. Writing is for suckers. Same goes for forethought.


Today's Song of the Day is "Smooth Operator" by Sade off her 1984 Album "Diamond Life."

Crazy Fact: She was born in Nigeria,

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Speech (Part One)

"I gotta do this speech 'cause Wren's backed out, and I'm fucking fucked. I wrote some stuff but it makes me cry when I read it. I'm a groomsman and I'm fucking fucked."

I think I said that sentence to about a hundred people before Caleb's wedding. I, of course, did that instead of working on a new speech. That's one of my little tricks.

The day before after about 10oz of courage I read some pieces of it to Mairi, she said it sounded pretty good. The day of the wedding I get up and try to read it to Sarah.

I couldn't say one word. Frozen with my mouth open, in some deep internal struggle and losing. I could not will my words through that thick complex membrane of emotion. All I could do open my mouth and blink.

"Baby, we got a problem."

Enter the Distractions.

Number One:
(BRRRRINGGG!)
"Hello?"
"yeah, yup.. ok. ok. rob is... rob can... we will... ok we got it. no problem."
(click)
"That was Caleb's mom. she's in a panic, we have to help set up the reception."

Number Two.
"I have to get my hair cut!"
(Don't get my haircut but I waste some time walking about and thinking about it.)

Number Three.
"We have to get a Card!"

Number Four.
"Caleb!"
"Pif!"
"Your getting married today!"
"Your right."
"I'm freaking out about this speech thing and I was think I would just read that story I wrote about the right."
"Whatever you say or read I will be grateful..."
"shucks"
"You think that's bad I have to blow this Couch Shell during the ceremony! Look at this Mother! I'm scared shittless. just listen...Bruuuuuuuuuung!"
"wow."

Number Five.
"I need to seperate the Quarters from the other change in the penny jar! It's Clearly gone TOO FAR!"


Today's Song of the Day is "Caprice No.16 in G minor" performed by Itzhak Perlman, Composed by Niccolò Paganini, first published in 1817.

Crazy Fact: This was the sound in my head. It is the very sound of Panic.

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7 Months

For 7 wonderful months Sarah and I have been going out. Unfortunately there has been one song Haunting me since that very first day.

When I woke up in Sarah's bed for the first time. My eye's popped open and "I'm a Boy" by The Who started playing in my head. It hasn't stopped. I think it was playing because I thought she was a lesbian and yet there I was, and well, simply put, I'm a boy. Well it's been many moons and I'm quite sure she likes boys now, and especially THIS boy so this song doesn't really apply... not that it ever applied it's about a boy who is forced to dress like a girl by his mother and gets beaten if he tries to be a boy. weird song. Anyway, to exorcise the Beast I'm going to send it out. If tried this in the past and it's worked ever time.


Today's Song of the Day is "I'm A Boy" by The Who released as a single in 1966, this version is off the 1994 Compliation "Thirty Years Of Maximum R&B."

Crazy Fact: Pete Townshend and John Entwistle met while attending high school in the Shepherd's Bush area of London.

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Waiting at the alter.

The music kicks in and in a few moments Wesam, the best man, and the groomsman. trot down the alise and wait. I joke with Sarah and James and point out the window,

"Hey there's sonia running in the woods."

We laugh. And wait.

I try to rearranged the batteries on my camera to squeeze off a few more shots. And wait.

I look around at all the people I don't know make little waves at those I do. And wait.

I try to pinch Sarah's bum and giggle and kiss (Grossest couple at the wedding award) And wait.

I have to pee. I say I have to pee to anyone within range. And Wait.

I look for Sonia, back and up. I look at Wesam, forward and up. I look to the left and to the right. And wait.

I bounce my knee, drop the camera, avoid harsh stares, submit and give the camera to Sarah. and wait.

Then I think, If I was Wesam I'd be ready to kill. If Sarah Left me standing there for more than 3 minutes I'd turn around and start yelling,

"I'm DYYYING up here!"
"You're killing me!"
"Your ALWAYS LATE!"
"hello?"
"baby?"
"ok everybody, it's a do over. I gotta pee."

And wait.

It's been about 5 or 6 songs and at least 20 minutes. I start to think my little joke is going to be in really bad taste if she broke her leg climbing out the window or something. And Wait.

Of course Just when your sure she's died up there she starts coming down.

And then the real waiting begins. Weddings are so damn slow.


Today's Song of the Day is "Overture to "Marriage Of Figaro" Performed by Concerto Köln conducted by René Jacobs from the Opera "Le Nozze di Figaro" written in 1786 by Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart, here recorded in 2004.

Crazy Fact: He supposedly did have an Awful high-pitched laugh.

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A Volvo Personality.

I don't know anything about cars, but Volvo drivers are not like other car drivers. They are always in their cars doing something. I was walking through the Sobey's Parking lot and I saw three of them just sitting in the drivers seats, doing stuff. One guy was gluing his shoes together. Another guy was fixing some kind of machinery with a screwdriver and the last guy was working on his laptop.

I think I like Volvo drivers.

In the Sobey's parking lot I drew two more conclusions all Honda drivers crank their bad taste in music and all Ford drivers are twitchy. Two Ford drivers almost hit me and well. And for the most part Honda drivers are all "buum ssst buum ssst buum ssst..." But on this day some hip cats were playing this brand new single shamelessly cranked.

That's what Sobey's taught me about cars.


Today's Song of the Day is "Rhythm Is A Dancer" by Snap off their 1992 Album "The Madman's Return."

Crazy Fact: ok ok the rap guy in this band is named "Turbo B" not only does this guy drive a Honda but he is named after one too. yuk yuk yuk.

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I've been gone so long.

Dudes.

I've bee busy and haven't had the time or energy to got on this. But I'm going to start back presently. My brain is packed full of events and rants and stories. I just hope I can get them all out. So it begins.


Today's Song of the Day is "Long Gone Lonesome Blues" by Hank Williams as a single in 1950.

Crazy Fact: By the end of the 1952, Williams was having heart problems and Toby Marshall, a con man doctor, was giving him various prescription drugs to help soothe the pain.

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Never a Bad Link

James and Ulo send me the best links. FUCK this one is funny! Funny photos, but even funnier captions.

James Link: Black Metal

And Ulo's is funny 'cause it's True...

Ulo Link: Boozing

How many times have you follow one of the links some one sends you and you get to some page of cute baby pictures or stale Newfie jokes or other such lameness. Well these guys don't quit. And James, you get the 'How the HELL did you find that obscure page' Award.

Funny Funny.


Today's Song of the Day is "Lo Boob Oscillator" by Stereolab off their 1995 Compilation of Rarities and B-Sides "Refried Ectoplasm: Switched On, Vol. 2 "

Crazy Fact: In December 2002, a few months after the release of ABC Music, longtime Stereolab member Mary Hansen died at the age of 36 when the bicycle she was riding was hit by a truck.

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Not So Much

I think Sarah is the Only person in the World that doesn't think Dave Chappell is funny and I think that kicks ass. Here are some of the things she had to say about it.


"The 'Black White Supremist' bit COULD'VE been funny but it wasn't, it was LAME."
"There were moments, but ultimately, it let me down."
"Just not funny."
"Lame."
"Lame."


I will laugh at anything, at everything actually, in poor taste, in good taste, fart jokes, Woody Allen, Elizabethian Comedie, The Simpsons, Americas Funniest Home Videos, short people, Tall people, Fat people, women, men, black, white ANYTHING. It's actually embarrassing. Like when you're in like Sears or something and showing on that bank of TVs is Full House or some such pap, and while stuck and bored you give in to watching. Next thing I know I'm all gaffaws and giggles. It makes me feel like less of a person when that happens. oooo Full House you ARE my Nemisis, I curse the Name.


Today's Song of the Day is "Sara" by Bob Dylan off his 1976 album "Desire."

Crazy Fact: Bob Dylan is still alive.

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To Pat Myself on the Back for a moment.

WHOO HOOO!

All that druggy speed shinnzle paid off... I got an 'A!' Not only did I get an 'A' but I also didn't tell the prof I was a retard, so it did not taint his opinion or affect my mark. Nor did I get extra time for tests or any such business, I forsoke all retard benefits and STILL got an A. sweet. And it verifies my decision to switch that credit to an Audit many moons ago and take it again later. phewf. That was a tough decision. Isn't great when a Plan comes together.


Today's Song of the Day is "Once" by Pearl Jam off their 1991 Debut album "Ten."

Crazy Fact: Pearl Jam cancelled their 1994 summer tour, claiming they could not keep ticket prices below 20 dollars because Ticketmaster was pressuring promoters to charge a higher price. The band took Ticketmaster to the Justice Department for unfair business practices. Cool.

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Wedding Invites

I have four on my fridge. They stare at me. I think I know what they want. When Sarah's in the next room, I stand in the kitchen and stare back.


"Stop PRESSUREING me!"
"What was that baby?"
"nothing..."
"You know I'm not pressuring you."
"I know."
"What are you talking about?"
"I'm not talking to you"
"Why?"
"no I... I mean I WASN'T talking to you, not, NOT talking to you."
"Oh, then Who are you talking to"
"The fridge."
"Oh Good."


Dennis if you asked me for my address to send me one I'll kill you. This doesn't just mean I'm NEXT on the list, most importantly it means i'm LAST on the list, fucker.


Today's Song of the Day is "The Last One" by W.S. Mervin off the 2000 Compilation "The Caedmon Poetry Collection."

Crazy Fact: W.S. Mervin won the pulizer prize.

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Goodtimes on the Old Homestead.

A sample of things I've heard across the street.


"I don't want to see you in my back yard, you fuckin' liar. You fucking pig."
"Yaaarraaargh!"
"WOOooo HOOooo"
"FuuuUUUUAAACK!"
"get your fucking kids...blatherBlah BLAH!"
"Jeesus Mary'n Joseph!..."


I think there is about 15 or twenty of them eternally drunk peeking around 9 PM. They are all passed out by sunset. It's like living near a nest of Orcs. I think they play Horseshoes all day and drink, and yell at each other all day and drink, and smoke Export 'A' Green Filterless all day and drink.

A couple of days ago I saw what I assume to be the lord and lady of the manner. They are 60ish and groping each other on the stoop. It was kind of cute even though they were sa-MASHED. They stopped briefly and gave a quirky half mast sort of smile as I past, with some odd gesture of mutual Acknowledgment.

But last night the WHOLE tribe must of been there they were all singing... Singing really isn't the right word it was more like yelling in unison. There was also alot of misshapen verbal interpretation of guitar solos and other strange poorly timed sound effects. It was a sloppy vague cacophony, where every song sounded vaguely like "Sweet Home Carolina" or "Sweet Child o' Mine" or "Sweet Caroline" or maybe "the Rose." I kept turning down my music and trying to pick out what song there were singing. It kinda sounded like the same song everytime, sliding from side to side, in and out of tune, badly timed and gnarled in booze.

It was sort of awful. Sort of endearing. If it were a glass I would have seen it as half-empty of endearing, half-full of awful. But, I have a soft spot for the drunks of the world though, another might not have seen it the same.


Today's Song of the Day is "Killing Me Softly" by The Fugees off their 1996 Breaktrhough Album "The Score."

Crazy Fact: Lauryn Hill and Prakazrel Michel ("Pras") attended the same New Jersey High School.

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